i'm needing some champagne! just needing some champagne! what a glorious feeling! i'm tipsy again! i'm sorry, i don't remember subscribing to drunken kitchen theater thursdays.
how many seasons of dance moms is there, that is because your subscription comes complimentary with your free dream house accommodation. should you like to start paying room and board, we could negotiate your preferences. until then, you can stick with the regular programming. i prefer this to naked samba demonstration wednesdays.
barbie? no. i haven't said anything yet. don't bother it'll be a no. how do you know that? can't you at least hear me out? okay, fine. go so, i was really hoping that maybe you would let me go to ballet class. shock ending to that conversation.
oh, come on, barbie. why can't i go to dance class? because, crystaly, that's and hour or so out of my week, in which i'll have to be sober enough to drive you there and home again. an hour a week, crystal. no deal. but, barbie! you get to see me gain so many new skills! i don't care if you have skills. and perform in recitals! i don't have enough of an emotinal attachment to you to care about that. you get to meet so many new people. i hate people.
and you'd be just like one of the women from dance moms. hold it right there, i f*cking love that show! oh my god, i'm gonna go enroll you right now!! yes! gonna be a dance mom! *laughs* nicey played, chelsea. oh, please. like i don't know how that asshole works. hello, everyone. welcome to ballet class. my name is ms.jordan. is everyone ready to have fun? children: yay!
hi there, i don't think i've met you yet, i'm miranda. you makin' fun of my kid, mojito? uh, no i was introducing myself. that's jealousy. you're jealous of my kid and you know it. what? okay, let's spread ourselves around the room, and we can get started. uh, excuse me. aren't you forgetting something? i'm sorry? you completely skipped pyramid.
pyramid? yeah. you know, when you put the kids pictures in the arrangement of a pyramid with all the best ones at the top and the crap ones at the bottom. and then you tell the crap ones how crap they were and sometimes they cry ussualy you get yelled at and its all kinds of fun. oh no, darling. we don't do anything like that here. so what you're saying is, my kid isn't on the top of the pyramid! no, no. what i'm saying is we don't have a pyramid at all. well, it's blatant favouritism and you know it. i will hold my tongue in front of the kids, but i am seething. i need you to know this. alright, well. okay. so we're all going to start by learning first position.
is that what they call missionary these days? wat? what did you say? you know, i pay a lot of money for my kid to learn dance from you, and so far you've done a whole lot of chatting and not a lot of teaching. barbie, you need to stop talking. honeybean, i am speaking up for your own benefit. i will not allow your sadistic dance teacher to treat you in this way. in what way? i've known her for five minutes. she's barely spoken two sentences. cause she can't get a wording over you. you see? you see what your unorthodox teaching methods are doing to my poor sweet channing sense of self worth!
won't somebody think of the children! i honestly have no idea what's happening anymore. i don't either. can we stop this nonsense and let jordan teach the class now? shut up christie! my name is eleni. maybe it would be best if the mums stepped outside for the remainder of the lesson. why? you got something to hide? you wanna verbally abuse these impressionable young girls in private while the wool is pulled over our eyes? i am staying, thank you very much. why didn't i ask to do soccer instead? she could yell as much as she wants on a soccer field.
okay, class the first thing we're going to learn is a plie. yeah, yeah, yeah. so, which kids are getting solos for next weekend's competition? oh, i'm sorry. this isn't actually a competition class. we dance purely for fun. we don't compete in any competitions. bullsh*t! children: *gasps* you give me one good reason why my little cosco isn't getting a solo! she just told you this class doesn't compete in competitions! i'm still not christie. that's it, you've disrupted this class enough. you need to step outside until you've calmed down.
are you yelling at me? yes! i'm yelling at you! oh my god, you were right, carpet. this is just like dance moms. i'm havin' the best time. okay, i'm leaving the room but then i'll come back and pick a random fight with another one of you. i'm looking at you mellisa! my name's caren. don't bother. okay, now that our distraction is out of the way, we can return to the lesson. so the first thing you do is lift your arms.
i am so sorry to interrupt again, but i was just at the starbucks next door, that had a power failure and they're giving away all their pumpkin spice lattes for free before their milk goes bad. oh i am definitely in that. you had me at "there's a starbucks next door." the starbucks next door? but there's no starbucks next door. oh dear, looks like your dance teacher has passed out. probably drunk, i guess i'll have to take over your dance lesson. and, we've reached peak crazy. my name is ms.barbie. if you thought you were coming to a fun dance lesson today where no one was going to intentionally cripple your sense of self worth. you are dead wrong. prepare to be schooled. daddy? it's chelsea. i need you to apply for full custody. do it now daddy.
first order of business: forcing you guys to cry and then belittling you once you do. here we go. your fat! your fat! your fat! you'll never amount to anything, your parents don't love you! and your fat!your fat! your fat! *kid cries* weak! you are weak! i don't have room in this class for babies! you need to save your tears for the pillow! barbie, you're going too far! huh? no i'm not. you promised me dance moms, charmane. this happens all the time on the show. it's standard weekly fair. this is not dance moms! we aren't on tv!
but maybe we could be if we made the class more dramatic. i know what i'm doing, okay. you're ugly and you have no talent! you were probably adopted! do not cry. crying is not allowed in my class! what on earth is going on here? umm.... i uh.. had to protect the poor children from the wrath of their psychotic teacher she went crazy and started throwing things. is she bleeding? no! wait, a little from the eyes, yes.
it was self defense, i swear. it wasn't was. absolutely wasn't. zip it, chantel! you are the worst thing that has ever come out of my vagina. and a lot of bad things come out of my vagina. you are the worst! i'm calling the cops. no you are not! christe! stop calling me christie!
why? why did i do it? i shouldn't have dreams. people always get hurt when i aspire to things. barbie? what is going on? uh.. these moms are all plotting against me and the teacher is playing favourites and the kids are secretly out to get each other. it's just like the show, skipper i swear! well then, why have i gotten 17 text messages from chelsea in the past half-hour saying "help me! she's lost it. she pulled the free latte trick again and knocked out the teacher i fear for all our lives right now." ? because her brain has been warped from the mind-games they play and it's class from hell! skipper! help us! please! get in the car right now. or what? or i'm calling your parole officer.
very nice to meet you all, let's do it again sometime. c'mon chels! what the hell is wrong with you? i told you, i don't wanna sacrifice an hour a week of drinking time. wait, you played chelsea? just to get your way?
please, like i don't know how that asshole works. thanks for watching! new barbie films come out on the 15th of each month. don't forget to like, comment, subscribe and follow us on social media.
love sam, and mickey.
